After the angsty entry I made last week, it's about time I was given a break. I'm not taking back anything I said about the guy though. If masungit is what he thinks of me, that's what he's getting.

Going back to where I left off, the past few days have been -- well, I don't really know how to describe them. I've been under a lot of stress. I haven't been sleeping regularly and sometimes, I don't get any sleep at all. There's the YSA that I don't think I would have enjoyed if not for Hazel, Kat, and my friends from Novaliches. I even ended up sitting out the whole dance social (and as expected, I was "forced" to be a jerk to the guy in my last entry). I even wished that 3 of my new found friends, Rhielle, Bryan, and Justin were there. I missed them a lot. It doesn't stop there, but I'd rather not dwell on the petty mishaps.

Before I move on to the main point of my entry, let me tell you about these three new found friends. I've been spending a lot of time with the Foil newbies in the team, but even more with Rhielle, Bryan, and Justin. The foilists almost always have dinner together after training. We're together until 10, just before the LRT's last trip. I'm closest to Rhielle and Bryan because we have the same route home, and I guess I can say that I'm close to Justin too after the heart-to-heart talk we had one Monday (yes naman, Dr. Love kunwari haha). We became really close since then. There's Jezza, Kenneth, Karyll, Joy, Loraine, and Kenn too of course. And they're ALL younger than me (ID 107 & 108, I'm 106)! haha! I don't look a year over 16 though, as I've been told :)



me, Justin, Bryan, Rhiell...



...plus Jezza and Kenn


Oh and right now, I'm playing guessing game with Justin - hulaan ng crush. haha! His case bugs me a lot though. I'm usually so good at guessing people's crushes! I'm down to just the Foil team now along with some other clues, but I can't seem to get who it is. Gooosh I feel dumb. haha...

At marami na ring issue sa team! Ang husay, grabe. haha...


SO MOVING ON...

I'd like to get right to the main point of my entry - the one thing that I realized today. I never enjoyed my GREATWK class, so I'm either really spaced out or usually bombarding my notebook with scribbles and drawings (which are actually more than my notes. haha).

During class this morning, I found myself writing a reflection on crushes which led me into remembering my friends asking me why I never had a boyfriend yet. I always answer that I'm not ready yet, I have other priorities, I'm enjoying the single life, blah, blah blah. But come to think of it, is it really just that?

I really (as in really) thought about it. Turns out that it might not have just been that I merely enjoy being single. I pondered on the thought and ended up writing this in my notebook:


So allow me to explain.

I remember two guys who I had a mutual understanding with - one from way back in 2nd year high school, and another guy from Church. I liked both guys before I knew them, but like I mentioned earlier, they start showing signs of liking me too and I start avoiding them. We remain friends to this day, but never became anything more than that.

So was is something that these boys said? Was is something they did? Was there someone who interfered? Did I dig up the dirt on these guys? Did I just lose interest all of a sudden?

The answer is a big fat no.

Another example, my last crush who I've liked for a year. I mentioned (a lot) in my past entries how deeply in-like I was with him. I also blogged of how I knew that a relationship between us was not going to work out no matter how much I'd want it to. Still, he lasted the longest among all my crushes though I knew it was pointless to hang on to a hope that I'd hear the sweetest words from him or hold him in my arms and all that mushy junk.

So what am I trying to say?

I think that the more a guy I like makes a move, the less I like the guy. Maybe I enjoy the fuzzy feeling you get knowing that someone you like likes you back, but turning this "something" you have into something beyond mutual understanding scares me. Maybe I'd rather cherish the feelings and leave them as they are at the moment.

But why not take the risk?

Maybe certain factors hinder me from giving the guy a chance.
Maybe I just expect too much of the guy.
Maybe I still believe in a perfect match.

Maybe they guy just moves too fast.
Maybe I just can't imagine what it would be like having a boyfriend.
Maybe I'm scared of what the guy will do next.

Or maybe I'm just flat out afraid to fall in love with the wrong guy.

All this time, I held on to the idea that there's something wrong with the guys - never once considering that the problem could be me. I keep telling myself that the right guy will come, but when will he ever show up if I don't allow him to? I cut his chances off before he gets the chance to prove his worth. Still, I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself because after all, there are other factors like the timing of the guy, or maybe something opposable about his attitude.

I can't pin point exactly what it is about a relationship that scares me so much, but I was right about not being ready and yes, I am afraid of getting into a relationship.

Does any of this make any sense at all? I can't put into words exactly how I feel. This is the best I could do. I think too much don't I? haha... I think I should start listening to my professor, my mind starts wandering off into dangerous places when I don't eh :))

But anyway. To the next guy, I leave a challenge to you: break the trend. Show me that what I fear is but a mere laughing matter. I will of course help myself get over this silly phase, but I believe you hold greater influence.


P.S. Add me up at Plurk.com! My new addiction :)