It's 3:25 in the morning, I'm bored with everything in my internet routine, I just recently rediscovered the wonders of my iPod, I've got a lot on my mind, and above all I miss blogging, so here I am again! Hello! *waves*
ON SCHOOL... Psychology's starting to
really grow on me. I LOVE IT! I'm enjoying every minute of it. Im starting to get to know my classmates more too. Almost everyone in class is friends now :D
I'm getting my commission from the ad space I told to Cali last term on Wednesday too! 18K I can't wait for you! haha! I'm superr excited to get the first money I actually had to work for :)) Thank you, MARKET2, for making this possible.
ON FENCING... After the looong debate with myself on whether to stay in the team or not, I've finally decided - I'm staying. Simply because I'm not done yet. Yes, I've endured numerous heart breaks in the team, hitting an all time low this season because I wasn't selected for the individual competition. I admit I grew tired of the sport for both physical and emotional reasons, but I wouldn't want to leave for the wrong reasons and most of all, prove to myself that I am a quitter. So I'm staying, stronger now I hope.
Oh and my coach got married last December :D Congratulations Coach Ramil and Ate Gay!
The UAAP for fencing was held last February 12-14 at the Ateneo Blue Eagle gym. It was the first for all on us in the women's foil. We only got 9 points against UP in the team competition, and 4 of those points we mine. We'll make up for that next year!
ON FRIENDS... Jill, Frances, and I have been hanging out a lot. I'm lucky to have met them when I shifted. They kind of helped me skip the awkward stage of facing a new crowd. I love there girls already!
I had a little quarrel with on of my dearest friends, but it's all good now :) I never want this to happen again. It was hard not talking to her. I missed her so much. Thank goodness it's over.
I've been "consulting" CO and Shio a lot about stuff, and I'm glad I have them. Really, I am :D
And... ALLIV LORELEI VILLAHERMOSA SAMSON, I miss you so much... I honestly haven't totally gotten over my best friend's migration to NZ... It get's even sadder when I look at our barkada pictures and realize that there won't be a complete barkada pic in a very, very long time... I'd ship myself to NZ if I could, but I'm gonna have to settle with plurk and multiply. *sigh* I hope she's doing fine there,
pero medyo nagtatampo ako na hindi na siya nagkkwento... I guess I'm gonna have to get used to that too... :'(
Warning: Happy-happy-joy-joy ends here. If you're in a good mood, I strongly suggest you close this window now.
ON LOVE... *takes a deep breath and sings* "All I ask is just a little honesty... You know that I'll do anything to make you stay, but I just have to let you go if the feeling is gone."
Those lines pretty much sum up the whole story of the guy we shall codename
Sherlock. My mind's a total blur right now, but I'll try to make this part as organized as possible. And another warning before you continue, I will definitely rant, however, I will give justice to both my id and my superego.
PART ONE. I don't know if the feelings are there anymore - from him to me, at least. My feelings for him are there, they always have been, but I don't really know if he still feels the same way... Why do I think so?
The premise: He doesn't text anymore, not if I text first. And what we text about is just stuff like if he's going to the gym with our teammates. Professional stuff - that's it.
- The id says: A normal guy who likes a girl would text just to say "hi" or "hey what's up" but I don't think Sherlock is normal for it seems like 1 peso to text is too much for him. We're both of the same telecommunication subscriber as well, and I have been told that calls within our network are free. Hello?! Just drop me a line naman to let me know that you still exist. Oh-my-gosh.
- The superego says: I'm not a huge fan of texting myself, maybe he isn't too. My best friend isn't one either, but she replies to me when it's absolutely necessary. When she was still in the country, her texts asking me how I was were rare, but when they came, they were meaningful. Maybe Sherlock's just an extreme case, or he's just really busy.
The premise: When I'm with his block, it's as if I'm not there. If not for a wave or a "hi" to acknowledge my presence, we do not really talk.
- The id says: He's with his blockmates all the time, and on the few occassions that we're in the same place, it's as though I'm not around. He has his blockmates, why the heck would he want to talk to me? He probably has more fun with them anyway. *rolls eyes*
- The superego says: He's a kid - a first year college student whose block is really tight. Besides, I enjoy the company of his other blockmates too and I don't hear him complaining about it. Yes, and I admit that I have more laughs when I'm around his other blockmates. See, we're even.
The premise: Apparently, he thinks I "collect" guys, and I got really pissed when I heard this...
- The id says: I'm no b*tch, okay (forgive me for the lack of a better term), I admit that I am closer to guys and it just so happens that it's my guy friends who are free during my breaks, so I'm always with them.
- The superego says: Maybe to me it's nothing, but to those who see it, it's a different story.
PART TWO. I'm getting insecure with a girl he's been hanging out with a lot.
The premise: I think he likes her.
Di lang niya sinasabi.- The id says: She's prettier, smarter, and younger. I think he even enjoys being around her more, even spending break times with Sherlock because their classes end at the same time. They've also been texing, as I've heard. It's not as if I don't want her around, I have absolutely nothing against her. She's my friend and I enjoy talking to her too. I'm just intimidated because she seems ta have every advantage over me, that's all.
- The superego says: I think too much. But who's to say if my hunches are right or wrong?
PART THREE. The arbiter speaks.
After giving way to the extremes, the ego shall now speak.
I know I should talk to him ro rid me of this awful feeling. That's what my friends have been telling me to do as well. I know what I have to do, but I don't think I want to. This time around, however, I know why - because I'm afraid. Afraid of what he might say. Afraid that I'll be given more to think about after talking to him. No, I don't think this is the right time to bring it up.
Besides, why disturb his peace? He seems content with things now, so I should be too.
Mukhang ako lang naman yung nabobother sa mga nangyayari eh. Sure, he said he was unsure last time we talked, but even uncertainty could mean that there's still something there - it's 50-50. It would help if I had reassurance from him that everything's fine and that it's all in my head, but if it isn't, then I'm just going to have to accept it. He should just tell it to me straight
para matapos na. Don't prolong the agony. I'm a strong girl. I can handle the truth.
With all honestly, I kinda wish he'd read this, but then again, some things are better left unsaid (or unread).
As of now, I'll resort to these tactics:
- I'll keep distance (again), but this time I won't be totally cold. I'll be civil naman - I'll talk/text when necessary. If he asks, I'll answer.
- I'll make myself better. Malay mo, everything about being Jenn Agustin is wasted of such feeble ideas, sayang naman diba? I'll just hone my skills. I'm sure they'd be good enough for someone. Para na rin di ako magkaroon ng reason na ma-intimidate the next time something like this happens.
- I'll watch my actions more, especially around my guy friends.
- And as I've written under my list of this year's resolutions, I WILL LET THINGS FALL INTO PLACE. I promised.
Still, I could be thinking too much. I hope it's all in my head.
PART FOUR. The close.To keep me sane, let's not forget the good that came out of this. I've once (twice, and thrice) put in my YM status message
"if in the end I find myself caught up in some huge practical joke, I'll have one thing that isn't - friendship". It was my friends who kept me smiling despite everything that's happening. I love them sooo much :D Sure, the paranoia of this whole mishap will bother me for a while, but that's just for a while. My friend's will take care of that, right? *hugsss*
Bahala na talaga.It would be so nice if infatuation were like a file on your desktop - select, hit delete, permanently banish from the recycle bin. Done. It could also be like a flash drive full of viruses - right click, format, wait, and voila you start anew. But unfortunately, it's never going to be that simple. We can't let emotions get the better of us though. In the end it's our own choice to move not on, but forward that will make everything all right.