from me to you
Hey there!
Welcome to the tiny place in cyberspace of a girl who blogs her blues away. And well, maybe out of boredom as well.
How on earth you found your way here may be intentional or completely random, but you're welcome to look around either way.
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Thanks and enjoy! :)
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the wallflower
Wallflower (wall·flow·er)
Definition
- One who does not participate in the activity at a social event because of shyness or unpopularity.
- A lady at a ball, who, either from choice, or because not asked to dance, remains a spectator.
As the term suggests, I shy away from a lot of things, parties and balls/dances being top 1 and top 2 respectively.
I'm a small girl you won't probably notice in a crowd. On top of that, I'm a natural klutz, the holder of a seemingly record-breaking list of misplaced items, an amateur anything, and an over-thinker who oftentimes lets her head rule her heart.
I'm still normal okay, don't get me wrong. haha... I'm a kid at heart who is easily pleased with simple things. One who carries a pinch of optimism, a tinkling of charm, and loads of laughs. I'm still trying to find my place in this vast expanse, but I'm having tons of fun along the way.
I'll find that light someday, I'm sure! But for now, I'll slow things down a bit and enjoy the ride.
My life's not the most spectacular thing that you'll come across, but it's worth a look :)
my a-z
A aqua
B baking, books, broadway
C Canon 50D
D dancing, David Archuleta, DLSU, doodles, DS Lite
E E71, elephants
F fencing (foil), Filipina, Freeway
G GLEEk
H HTML/CSS
I -
J June 10
K Kamiseta, Kostka QC
L Latter-day Saint (Mormon), lime green
M Malteasers
N Nancy Drew, necklaces
O OC
P pasta, piano, Psychology major
Q Quezon City
R -
S See's Rum Nougat, shrimp, singing (theatrical amateur), single, sour candies, spicy food, Stitch
T taekwondo black belt, traveling, Trumpets Playshopper, turtles
U -
V -
W Walt Disney, Warheads, Wicked (the musical), white thick-rimmed glasses
X
Y -
Z Zours
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Saturday, January 24, 2009, 4:19 AM
I learned in my THEOPER (theories of personality) class this week that people wear different personality masks. for instance, one could be a "saint" once he steps out of church, but in school would go back to his rowdy behavior. It's a generally accepted principle that no one is the same person in every place/group/situation he is in.
The rule's a given, so I, too, am guilty of hiding herself behind numerous masks. What makes each mask isn't really important, but one thing holds constant among all of my masks - my tears wait. They wait until every ounce of sadness or anger piles up before they flow. They wait for my patience to reach its limits before they come out. It hasn't always been like this though. Why that changed remains a mystery, but I have a good guess it's just because I'm growing up and trying hard not to cry over spilled milk. Well, it worked. I'm not crying. I honestly want to cry everything out, but I'm still holding on. anyway. The tears can wait, I guess. I've been going through a lot of emotional turmoil these past few weeks as you may have noticed, but this week's taken a turn for the worst. From the least of my concerns to the worst of it, we have these blind items: - one entering college who seemed to look solely on the general rankings of the universities in our country instead of the specifics on which school specializes in what (for instance, DLSU may not be the best for *insert course here*, but you can't deny that the world reconnizes it as one of the best options for business-related career paths - all biases aside)
- a person who think's he's ALWAYS right and has nothing better to do than close himself to his wrong assumptions
- a sporting event which is 2 weeks away and I've been given a badly-sprained ankle to reward my efforts
- a goal that I've always longed to acheive since I became a foilist but might remain a dream based on my perception of how things are going
- a whole org finding out about *Canon
- people who don't seem to see me or my potential
- a person who doesn't seem to give a damn about what's going on, one whose mind NO ONE (not even this person's friends) can seem to penetrate
- a probable farewell to a whole batch who entered our school's fencing team - leaving just me behind... what if I leave too?
That last one's my biggest problem. It's not a sure thing though, so I'm not dwelling on the details in the hope it won't happen... I remember receiving a quote via text message saying "save your tears for someone who's worth the pain". That's probably why I'm not crying about it - because none of the people/things I'm worrying about are worth it. Yeah, maybe not at all. To further emphasize my point, I refer to Psychology again. Our unconscious contains things/events that are the cause of grave fear or trauma that's why it's buried deep in there. and cages itself out of our conscious (we'd be EMO everyday if it didn't). It affects how we think, feel, or behave, but for some unfound reason. Haven't you ever experienced seeing a random person who you haven't even met but you're oddly irritated by just seeing him/her? He/she hasn't even done anything to you, but you can't help but feel annoyed. That's the unconscious working there. Anyway, I think my unconscious believes this whole thing's silly compared to something I've gone through in the past that's why I can't cry. I probably have gone through worse things my mind chose to forget. I'd rather not remember them now, thanks. At least I know that I have a reason to smile if I don't have a reason to cry, right? Last lesson. One way that the unconscious comes out is when one gets drunk. Defenses are lowered when people are drunk, and the unconscious becomes the conscious and vice-versa. They switch places again when the body stabilizes, that's why drunk people can't remember much of what they were doing when they drink too much. Maybe I should drink to get this over with? My spirits are waaay down there and I've been wanting to try something new anyway. NAAAAAAH :P haha... I haven't taken even just a sip, and I plan to keep things this way :) Just an intermission. My entry's getting way too depressing. haha! Still, I can't help but think that hiding the pain would make me appear like a hypocrite. I never thought I would find a need to mold a new mask - one that actually keeps its smile. I'm an actress, but I have no idea if I'll be able to pull this off... I still am hoping the the sun won't go down on me. Mother nature's not doing a good job on lifting my spirits either. Please, please, please, let this be over soon... Labels: mark my heart
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Jenn A.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009, 8:33 PM
I'll say it straight - I feel really bad about what happened to my brother and the girl he was courting... I just read his blog entry without the details and it made me think about a lot of things. Sad things. I can't tell what it is exactly that's making me feel sad though... Probably still too deep in my unconscious for me to dig out... *sigh*Moving on. I finished the cold war between me and someone. I'm relieved that I did what I had to do, and mind you, I haven't done anything like what I did for this person my entire life. He's the first. Maybe I really did mean it when I told my friend I just couldn't stay mad at this person if I tried. I was right. But still, I think that some issues have to be cleared before it's really over. I don't know with him, but I have a lot of questions that remain unanswered which I'd really like to get to the bottom of so my mind can stop thinking about them too much. We can probably talk about it some other time, but for now, I'll be content that we're texting again (I haven't seen him yet so I haven't really talked to him). I'm not expecting things to go back to the way they used to be, but I am hoping for the best. There's an ongoing battle between my mind and my heart. I don't know who's winning... Let's see what happens from here. My gosh, I still have this unexplainable feeling even after composing this entry. My mind's a total blank right now, and I don't even have the slightest idea why. Come to think about it, I haven't laughed even once today. Oh my gosh I'm becoming emo, WTH. -__-;; I need to sleep, mind. Please rest even for just one night. Labels: reality check
3 comments
Jenn A.
I AM SERIOUSLY FREAKED OUT BY WHAT I JUST found out... This was, by far, the most heart-pounding IM I have ever recieved in my life:
**iBroughtDoomNews (1/20/2009 11:23:47 PM): alam na pala ni **Canon na type mo siya dahil sa plurk ba yun??
**code name
OH MY FRIKIN' GOSH. I'm honestly too taken aback by this to have anything to say about it. Seriously, I'm at a huge loss for words. I can't even explain the feeling.
I wonder though, how'd they find my Plurk? of all my online accounts, it had to be the one account I thought no one would visit. Plurk, YOU MADE MY DAY. Amazing. Oh.My.Gosh.
Labels: reality check
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Jenn A.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009, 11:56 PM
"Why did I let myself believe miracles could happen? 'Coz now I have to pretend that I don't really care... Even now, I can tell that I confused my feelings with the truth - that there was me and you..."
I'd hate to be the unlucky one stuck in the context of these lines and actually enjoy singing them as though I didn't have anything better to sing. I haven't gotten all emo and enjoyed singing this song yet, but I am facing a sad situation similar to this.
No, this is not going to be another denial entry because this time, I'm confident I know what's going on. The words that caused all this confusion came from the person involved himself, so that only increases my chances of being right. I don't want to narrate the whole story here until it's settled though. I just need to type this and get it off my chest.
But then again, I could be wrong. However right I think I am, this stands as a mere gut feeling until I hear it from him straight. Please let this be just another bad case of paranoia. Please, please, please let me be wrong... :'(
Labels: erase from memory
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Jenn A.
Thursday, January 08, 2009, 11:30 PM
"I don't have the strength to stay away from you anymore." -Edward Cullen, Twilight
Frankly, I find it hard not to talk to a certain someone, to keep him out of sight, and to avoid physical contact with. It's tough... I don't know if I should or shouldn't. All I know is I can't.
If in this entry my heart seemed helpless until Canon gave it back, right now, I see it from a distance and gosh, it's walking. I guess some miracle happened and it realized that it needs to go back to it's true owner. Gave it feet to walk too. haha! But from where I'm standing, it seems that it's walking towards another direction - not back to me. Not yet. Oh boy, who had called you this time? *wink* ***
So anyway, I'm stuck here at home doing absolutely nothing because I can't train or walk around too much because of my sprain. I went to see the physical therapist this week and she told me that the muscles holding the joint in my foot and leg together is really weak, and if it doesn't heal before I start training again, the bones could get dislocated. O_O;; THAT SCARED ME. As much as I want to train, I'm not supposed to. The UAAP's just a month away, and I can't afford to lose any training day... Stupid sprain! *sobs*
As for school, the first week of classes just ended, and I can already say that I LOVE PSYCHOLOGY! I don't regret shifting to this course at all, even if it meant giving up two years of college in a course that was never designed for me in the first place.
I like my first three Psychology classes and the professors who teach them. I don't know how the other class is though - the professor didn't come to class. Hopefully, it will be just as fun as the first three.
Another this about shifting that I was afraid of was that I thought I wouldn't make any friends because I shifted late, meaning my classmates would be in a lower batch. I was dead wrong! There are still a handful of ID 106 people in class, but most of them are 107 already. Everyone's cool though, and super friendly :) Also, all of us are shiftees, so we're not a really big class. What's nice about having a smaller class is that the number of people is just enough for us to really get to know each other better.
I'm going to enjoy my years as an AB-Psychology major, I JUST KNOW IT! :D
Labels: mark my heart, school
0 comments
Jenn A.
Friday, January 02, 2009, 5:44 AM
The weather's not the only one that's cold. What the heck's the matter with you? Labels: erase from memory
0 comments
Jenn A.
Thursday, January 01, 2009, 6:29 AM
It's 6:29 in the morning and I haven't slept since we started waiting for the fireworks. I saw the sun rise again. haha...
Our family welcomed the New Year with a family prayer. I honestly can't remember the last time we did that. I felt misty-eyed after the prayer. It was as though every worry and angst I had over the remaining days of 2008 vanished. I'd keep this feeling forever if I could. My dad led the long prayer, and I'm really, really glad this was how we welcomed 2009.
We had lumpia, ham, lechon paksiw, macaroni salad, and garden salad for dinner - even better than the food we had for Christmas! haha...
At quarter to 12, my brothers and I joined our parents in our attic. There were less fireworks than last year. Come to think of it, this was the most disappointing display yet. The fireworks were ordinary and as I mentioned earlier, less. But! I enjoyed it anyway. It's the thought of New Year that should give me something to look forward to - much more than the fanciest firework they can launch into the sky. New Year this year was simple for our family - no outing, no other relatives. Yes, I miss the Aguilars and the de Leons and our annual family outings before New Year, but New Year with just my family is good too. Plus all the food to ourselves! haha :))
It was the first time that I actually reminisced on the past year as I watched the fireworks. I recalled all the new friends I made, all the silly escapades I became a part of, the mistakes and tears I drew character out from, and how much I've truly grown over the year (uhmm okay, growth can pertain to height too. haha). My 19th year - a wonderful one. It had been the most challenging, dramatic one yet, but I learned a lot along the way. After this year, I can, with all confidence, say that I am a stronger person.
Some things will change from now on, says my list of resolutions. I'm going to have to get used to a lot of things and tweak a few of my old habits as well, including putting 2009 instead of 2008 on my test papers. haha... I can do this! ha! 2009, bring it on!
And before I forget, Happy New Year everyone! :) Let's leave all our frets and regrets buried way, way down under. Time to start anew! To everyone who has been a part of my life, a big THANK YOU. I owe you sooo much for making my year another one to cherish. More and more memories to come to us all! Cheers! :D
Labels: occasions, reality check
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Jenn A.
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the life list
Here's a list of things I want to do with my life. Hopefully, I'll be able to make most of these happen. I'll add more things as I come up with ideas.
43 Things
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