I learned in my THEOPER (theories of personality) class this week that people wear different personality masks. for instance, one could be a "saint" once he steps out of church, but in school would go back to his rowdy behavior. It's a generally accepted principle that no one is the same person in every place/group/situation he is in.

The rule's a given, so I, too, am guilty of hiding herself behind numerous masks. What makes each mask isn't really important, but one thing holds constant among all of my masks - my tears wait. They wait until every ounce of sadness or anger piles up before they flow. They wait for my patience to reach its limits before they come out. It hasn't always been like this though. Why that changed remains a mystery, but I have a good guess it's just because I'm growing up and trying hard not to cry over spilled milk.

Well, it worked. I'm not crying. I honestly want to cry everything out, but I'm still holding on. anyway. The tears can wait, I guess. I've been going through a lot of emotional turmoil these past few weeks as you may have noticed, but this week's taken a turn for the worst. From the least of my concerns to the worst of it, we have these blind items:

• one entering college who seemed to look solely on the general rankings of the universities in our country instead of the specifics on which school specializes in what (for instance, DLSU may not be the best for *insert course here*, but you can't deny that the world reconnizes it as one of the best options for business-related career paths - all biases aside)
• a person who think's he's ALWAYS right and has nothing better to do than close himself to his wrong assumptions
  
• a sporting event which is 2 weeks away and I've been given a badly-sprained ankle to reward my efforts
• a goal that I've always longed to acheive since I became a foilist but might remain a dream based on my perception of how things are going
• a whole org finding out about *Canon
• people who don't seem to see me or my potential
  
• a person who doesn't seem to give a damn about what's going on, one whose mind NO ONE (not even this person's friends) can seem to penetrate
  
• a probable farewell to a whole batch who entered our school's fencing team - leaving just me behind... what if I leave too?

That last one's my biggest problem. It's not a sure thing though, so I'm not dwelling on the details in the hope it won't happen...

I remember receiving a quote via text message saying "save your tears for someone who's worth the pain". That's probably why I'm not crying about it - because none of the people/things I'm worrying about are worth it. Yeah, maybe not at all.

To further emphasize my point, I refer to Psychology again. Our unconscious contains things/events that are the cause of grave fear or trauma that's why it's buried deep in there. and cages itself out of our conscious (we'd be EMO everyday if it didn't). It affects how we think, feel, or behave, but for some unfound reason. Haven't you ever experienced seeing a random person who you haven't even met but you're oddly irritated by just seeing him/her? He/she hasn't even done anything to you, but you can't help but feel annoyed. That's the unconscious working there.

Anyway, I think my unconscious believes this whole thing's silly compared to something I've gone through in the past that's why I can't cry. I probably have gone through worse things my mind chose to forget. I'd rather not remember them now, thanks. At least I know that I have a reason to smile if I don't have a reason to cry, right?

Last lesson. One way that the unconscious comes out is when one gets drunk. Defenses are lowered when people are drunk, and the unconscious becomes the conscious and vice-versa. They switch places again when the body stabilizes, that's why drunk people can't remember much of what they were doing when they drink too much. Maybe I should drink to get this over with? My spirits are waaay down there and I've been wanting to try something new anyway. NAAAAAAH :P haha... I haven't taken even just a sip, and I plan to keep things this way :) Just an intermission. My entry's getting way too depressing. haha!

Still, I can't help but think that hiding the pain would make me appear like a hypocrite. I never thought I would find a need to mold a new mask - one that actually keeps its smile. I'm an actress, but I have no idea if I'll be able to pull this off...

I still am hoping the the sun won't go down on me. Mother nature's not doing a good job on lifting my spirits either. Please, please, please, let this be over soon...