Have you ever regretting wishing for something? I am.

For once, let it not be my friends who spill the beans to this oh-so-cute guy. For once, let the guy not be a feelingero after finding out. It would be so much easier of things were the other way around wouldn't they? Well, that's exactly what's happening with this guy I like now. Yes, my friends had nothing to do with this. I gave myself away indirectly because of the way I acted. That's just according to my friends though. And, yes, the guy didn't become a jerk. Great, right? WRONG. I got what I hoped for, but the thing is, I'm not sure if this is what I really wanted.

I've been crushing on this guy for some time now. I've been able to talk to him a lot lately, but I've been a bit shy around him. Things were okay between us until he and another friend crack this joke that I looked like a boy - the Hanson brothers to be exact. It was because of what I was wearing that day, I guess. He even said I was like a brother to him because he didn't have a brother. I hated what they said. I even started to think that there was something wrong with the way I dressed, acted, or who I hang out with (I'm with guys most of the time). It was just at that moment though, I my friends told me that it was all crap from people who think I'm cuter when I'm mad. They might just also be saying that 'coz they know every guy I've liked in school is gay/effeminate. They also reassured me that there was absolutely nothing wrong with me, masyado lang daw akong nagpaapekto sa hirit nila.

I know I'd be able to talk to my other friend about that little joke, but not to him. I told myself I'd never wear pambahay around them anymore para wala na silang masabi and that I'd be a little more withdrawn (good luck naman dun) when I'm with them.

Anyway. He and I are classmates in one subject this term. This week, I was supposed to meet up with a common friend of ours right after this class, and so did he. It's a friend thing na magsabay sa paglakad if you're going to the same place, but I wanted to go ahead to avoid awkward conversations. I wasn't able to though because the elevator closed when I got out of the classroom, so he was able to catch up. I was really quiet around him, but talked to every single person I knew who passed by us as we walked to EGI. He talked to me and I answered, but I wasn't as makwento as before. He even threw in a compliment every now and then, and I just smiled. I was quiet.

It was different when we got to our common friend though. I couldn't help but talk, talk, and talk. To our friend that is, not to him. My natural bubbly side got the better of me and it kinda slipped my mind that I'm trying to be quiet. I think it went well though - I THINK lang ah. I have to give myself credit for at least trying to, right?

He left early because he had class, which left me and our friend. I talked to her about how bad I felt after the joke he and my other friend cracked about me. "I was offended because he said I was like a boy", period. But this common friend seemed to have understood the situation as "I was offended because he said I was like his brother" - which to me is better understood as "I don't want to be just your brother". I didn't mean that at all - all I was trying to say was that it hurt being seen as a boy. She told me afterwards about their conversation nights before:

Friend: May mali kang sinabi kanina!
Him: Huh?
F: Kahit ako pag sinabihan ng ganun maiinis ako.
H: Teka, ito ba yung kay Jenn?
F: You do know that she likes you right?
H: Yeah. It was just a joke, it didn't mean anything.

Okay, he knows. This time, it was my fault for being so obvious like my friends said. He didn't even become a feelingero because he still talked to me. I still ask myself though: is this what I really wanted to happen? I can't give out in detail everything that's running in my head right now, only the friends I trust most know. These thoughts are way to embarrassing and malabo. But what I can tell you though is that things might have been better off as they were - with madaldal friends and feelingeros.

SO... As the old saying goes, be careful what you wish for. You might get and regret it.